There is a lot of shame, embarrassment, and regret when you're expected to perform at a high level and you......crash! Not only do you crash and burn but you wonder if you can ever fully recover from such a devasting fall in a competitive world of one-time chances and opportunities.
I felt prepared. I had done my homework and had even practiced. And yet when I walked into the room and faced my esteemed colleagues, a feeling of "You're not worthy of being here" washed over me. The voice in my head screamed negative self-talk. "You're not qualified to be here!" "What makes you think you could actually do this kind of job?" "You're not a person who can lead and inspire others." "You can't do this!" "You don't belong here." It was almost an out of body experience as I watched myself spin down a funnel of failure.
I don't remember the words that spewed out of my mouth. That most likely wasn't the worst part of the interview. It was more about how I presented myself- lacking confidence and unprepared. There was no logical reason why. Unfortunately, I wasn't in a very healthy place. It took that crash and burn experience to wake me up and admit that I was fighting burnout. But, recovery doesn't always come quickly. It takes time, reflection, and grace.
Prior to this nightmarish (at least in my head) experience, I had just come out on the other side of some family trauma. My mom had nearly passed away and was still in recovery. (I am the only daughter and the eldest sibling. Much of the responsibility of taking care of her fell on my shoulders.) I was finishing up my schooling for an administrative license and teaching full time. I was exhausted! My cup was empty and yet I was in complete denial. Teachers like me do not experience burnout! Of course, we know that's a myth. But it's the story that I told myself as I continued to burn the oil at both ends of the day. I knew that I was not taking care of myself and that it was taking its toll on me. But I kept depriving myself of sleep, exercise, and healthy eating.
Luckily for me, an opportunity of moving to a different school and of working with one of the most respected principals in the district came my way. I was excited! Despite being a little depressed about not getting an administrative position, I looked at this opportunity as a chance to really learn from one of the best. My resume and reputation spoke for me. I didn't even have to interview and was hired on the spot. My ego told me that my new principal was excited to have someone like me join his staff. The expectations were high. The expectations for myself were even higher! But remember, I still wasn't in a healthy place. And so although I really fought to be myself- the high energetic PIRATE kind of teacher that kids loved, at least in my mind, I failed miserably! I had my moments. But I was crying inside and the GUILT of not living up to my own expectations was almost more than I could bear. I needed to prove myself and had absolutely no energy to do what I would normally do as a teacher. I felt paralyzed! The opportunity to have a principal of such high caliber vouch for me was slipping away and I felt unable to do anything about it. Other outstanding administrative candidates in the school had his attention and I felt that I just couldn't measure up. This was the story that I told myself.
Fast forward another year, another school and the position of being an instructional coach and things have drastically changed for me. I feel healthier than I've been for a long time! I'm happy and really excited about the work that I'm doing. I'm genuinely grateful for not being an administrator quite yet. I have a real purpose and mission to complete. The need here is so great! This is the perfect time for me to learn more about working with and inspiring adults to be their best selves. I'm learning to be a better communicator, listener, and to ask better questions. This time is so valuable to me. How many aspiring school leaders actually have the chance to focus only on being an instructional leader? I know that I have talents that I can tap into to serve others- especially with so many new teachers in our school. I'm grateful for this opportunity to learn more when the stakes are not so high.
This year will be a test for me. Can I really be a leader that I hope to be?